I haven't been on zaadz in a while but felt called to it now. I found a dear acquaintance just by chance and that told me - it's time to come back to zaadz and see what goodies you can find!!

The most exciting thing going on in my life is my relationship with myself. Ah-ha, you thought I'd say my new boyfriend, didn't you. Well, that is just as exciting. But not the most important.

I learned, finally, after 28 and some odd years, to love MYSELF first and foremost. To be compassionate and loving toward myself. I was in my bedroom crying over my mother's death and no one was home to call. I had become addicted to OTHER PEOPLE'S company. I had not learned how to soothe myself.

I sat on my meditation pillow, turned on some music, wrapped my arms around myself and rocked back and forth, sobbing. It must have been an hour or so but finally I stopped crying. And do you know what? I felt *better*. A different kind of better. A kind of better that no one else could have given me. I LOVED myself for the first time! It felt empowering.

I've been doing a  lot of reading about Abraham and their teachings, and I felt directly connected to Source energy, that which some call God, some call their Higher Self. I felt I could do ANYTHING.

And only a few days later, after loving MYSELF FIRST.... I met Jason.... the man I would come to love with all my heart after only a month.

And now it is July 25th, a Wednesday. Jason is in L.A. visiting his family and I am set to join him for 5 days on August 7th. I am taking these two weeks and refamiliarizing myself with myself. For sometimes you tend to lose yourself in the beginning of a love relationship. I'm meditating again, writing more, seeing friends I've neglected. A truly fertile time for me.

I hope to be on zaadz more often now.

Thanks for reading!

Lisa Marie

And so, the first man I fall in love with breaks my heart. He broke up with me three days ago. I am just shattered. I am confused, bewildered, heartbroken. My Shaman friend says that I'm having such bad luck (luck?) (I'll be losing my temp job shortly here, too, and am having money problems) recently b/c I'm "Shifting"..... my negative attributes are leaving my consciousness.... and I am making way for the light.

I've been fighting all of my life. Fighting to stay alive amidst terrible depression. I am tired of fighting. I want to thrive. I want to love. I want to be loved.

Despite how I feel sometimes, I want to live.

This emancipation from pain feels too big to write about. I want to open up my heart and let the light shine out to fully show you how wonderful I feel. Why do I feel wonderful when I was just dumped by my boyfriend and when I will lose my job in two days?

I feel wonderful because of the picnic I went on yesterday. It was at a bed and breakfast nestled in the valley of Cross Plains, WI and the Abraham group I go to sponsored it. Andrew and I went. We were both in pissy moods (I had had a rough morning, going through memories, like a catalogue of pain and sadness) but when we arrived there, I knew anything could happen.

All my favorite people were there, my Abe mentors: Sheli, Deb, Mary, Marcy, Janie, and new people I'd not met yet. We feasted on delicious food and talked about life. Some people talked about spirituality, some people talked about cleaning dishes.

My mentor, Deb, came up to me and said she was sorry about what happened between Jason and me. She then went on to pour immense wisdom on me. I barely remember what she said, exactly, but it was absorbed by my consciousness and that's what matters. I know she said that I seemed to have a Void that I wanted someone to fill. I knew this already and was hoping I wasn't dragging Jason into it....but apparently, I did. I've always wanted someone to "save me"... ever since I was a little girl, I had fantasies about the boy I liked at the time saving me from a robbery or a break-in. This save-me mentality not only disempowered me, but it made me overly-dependent on the other person. And it's this pressure I think Jason felt. I thought I was doing everything right.... but what is Right? Now I realize I did the best I could, but I have a lot of learning to do when it comes to relationships. I can't dump my whole life on the person after the first week. Depression doesn't own me, therefore I don't need to introduce that into my relationship with a person until it is deemed necessary. Soon, hopefully, perhaps I won't have to mention it at all.

I posted to the Abe group online (thousands of people on the yahoogroup that answer your questions immediately. We're all seekers and learners) about my feelings of loss, deep, profound loss...and a very special woman answered back. Here is her response:

"I am so sorry for your pain, Lisa Marie
it doesn’t have to be this hard

it’s okay to give up, to surrender,
and allow the fast moving stream you’ve got going there,
to sweep you off with it,
to the things you have been wanting
like, for example, to move up out of depression

maybe to get PISSED that it feels so much like you
have been abandoned

feel that breath of fresh air
that anger and rage really is

get your energy moving again
come alive again

you are a fighter, after all ....
fight then, for your RIGHT to joy

if he is indeed the ideal man
then don’t you think he will come back
when you have found yourself
and your center
and are feeling really really good?
he, or someone even more ideal?

it is not his job to take care of you
or to make you feel good
that’s an inside job
you are absolutely not alone

and your mother hasn’t gone anywhere
since there isn’t any ‘where’ to go
only you have pinched yourself off
from knowing and communing with her
(at the moment)
and it doesn’t have to be that way
she is Source
as are you
she is inside you
and through you
and surrounding you
right now


if you continue on in physical,
and open your heart to your Inner Being
and let yourself be guided, led,
-let your Inner Being do the driving for awhile-

I can promise you that the best is yet to be

it's extremely important right now that you nurture yourself
why? because pain is not your birthright

when you eat something, let it be something you believe
is good for you, healthful, nurturing
your mom would want this for you, you know

take naps

get full-bodied therapeutic massages
or AT LEAST foot massages (reflexology)

much of your depression is the thoughts you are thinking
the things you are telling yourself
which are far far far from what your Inner Being
is trying to tell you
and as you can let go and relax into listening mode

you can then begin to hear what is being communicated to you

-in dreams, if nothing else


it’s not always going to hurt this much
and you may have moments even now
when you feel that connection

it's okay to cry, you know
to cry and sob and rant and rave

and to write pages and pages and pages
of what you don't like about WHAT IS
until you get it all out onto the paper,
and out of you
until you can look around you and notice
even one thing you do like
and then another and another
and how beautiful the things you have surrounded
yourself with
really are
how beautiful you really are

you WILL smile again
maybe not today
maybe not tomorrow
but one of these days ....

here is my (and Connee’s) favorite abe quote
(or one of them)
that seems appropriate for now
- if you are in vibrational proximity
to really get what it’s saying

it's been posted here before
maybe you've seen it, maybe you have it,

it's good to relax into what it is saying ....

Do you know the relationship that you are all looking for?
Do you know what it really is?
You want the relationship between you and You.

And when you meet a person who looks fondly at you,
or who is appreciative of you, or someone you look fondly upon,
or someone you appreciate, it just hooks you up to your Inner Being,
which is what you want all along.

So the relationship you are all looking for
is the relationship between you and you.
And everything else is just helpful in that, really.

Don't you find that interesting?
That what you really want is a reason to vibrationally connect
with Who You Really Are.

And so, you ask so much of people because you say to them,
"You need to be the one who causes me to feel good."
And what we want to say to all of you is:

If any of you are without the relationship of your dreams right now,
that's a wonderful thing.
Because now you have an opportunity to work on the relationship
that really matters first and foremost.
And then, in that connection, the relationship of your dreams will come.

But you are going to discover the relationship of your dreams
is really your own Inner Being.
It's that infusion of clarity and confidence and wellness,
that's what you are reaching for.

And it is nice to have a human friend who holds you
as their object of attention
and adores you right into your connection.

But we want you experience greater independence than that.
We want you to say to your lovers, "I love you, but I won't live for you.
Because Source Energy flows through me.
You are a catalyst to my wellbeing,
but you are not essential to my wellbeing.
Because I've got that figured out on my own.
I have reached for thoughts that give me relief.
And I have relieved myself all the way into my full connection
of who I really am. And now we can just dance and play together."

Can you feel how you take them off the hook?

In other words, do you know how many men would flock to you?
ALL OF THEM, if they knew that you would allow them to be as they are
and you would not hold them responsible for your happiness.

That's what everyone wants.
How much bondage is there in believing that your happiness depends on me,
so I've got to figure out what you want,
and stand on my head in all those different ways,
and it's not even possible!

The greatest gift you can give anyone is to be happy.
And we will take that further.
The greatest gift you can give to any partner, past, present or future
is to be so connected with who you truly are
that they are irrelevant to your connection.

And when they are irrelevant to your connection,
then you are going to have a really good time together.

San Diego, 2/7/04B

*****************************
"it is not his job to take care of you
or to make you feel good
that’s an inside job" -- THAT is what I wish I had learned and integrated before I met Jason. I depended too much on him and that can scare a person.

And don't you just love the Abe quote? That it's nice to have a partner to love you, but the REAL love relationship is between you and You? That made me feel so much better. I always knew this inside, but I never felt it integrated. I've always been a proponent of self-love and I still am, but now I realize there's more to self-love than comforting yourself in times of need. Self-love is also going on dates with yourself. In my case, it's not spending every day with the guy, it's spending some days with yourself, going to Borders or a cafe and writing, it's meditating after work instead of going over to his house every day and saying, "oh, it doesn't matter. I'd rather be with him than meditate."

IT IS VITAL TO BE WITH YOURSELF. I'll rephrase that into an "I" statement. IT IS VITAL FOR ME TO STAY CONNECTED TO WHO I AM. TO HAVE A LOVE AFFAIR WITH MYSELF. The outcome isn't meant to find someone... that's not the reason why I love myself.... but when I love myself, and can take care of myself and not depend on "him," whoever he is, to fill my Void, then others will see me as a more whole and capable and fun-loving person and be attracted to that. And like Abe said, I'll have to beat them off with a stick! :)
I don't want to hold a man responsible for my happiness. And that is what I did with Jason. And Jason, if you are by chance reading this, I am so sorry I did that to you. I had no idea I was doing that, but I recognize it now and I can see how it got overwhelming and scary and stressful. No one should be responsible for another's happiness.

As Abe said, the greatest gift to give anyone IS to be happy. I was happy a lot of the time while with Jason. I also had my hard days (mostly due to a dissatisfying job and grief over my Mom) and while he was the best comforter I had ever had, I poured too much on him. I have to take responsibility for my own emotions. I have to take responsibility for taking care of mySELF. No one else can do it for me.

And that, my lovelies, is what I "learned on my summer vacation."

Bless you all, bless relief, bless happiness, bless joy. Bless you in your mistakes, bless you in your revelations. Bless you in your tender, fragile times. Bless you in your strong, taking-action times.

As a side note, I got a lot of ideas about jobs at the picnic. I'm going to apply for a part-time position at a local community college for an English instructor. And I'm going to look into the local senior center about their senior citizen writing group. The instructor is leaving soon, so I hear. And I'm waiting for a book publisher to email me and set up an interview with me for an editor position. I"m determined not to take any more dinky jobs that don't have anything to do with what I was TRAINED in.

I'm flowing downstread, letting the current take me, trusting the Universe....

All is well.